Itchy (But Without The Tasty)
It's barely even spring, and inexplicably my legs are an itching mess of red, swollen bites. Obviously, I am vexed by this turn of events. I don't even know how or even when it happened. One morning I woke up, and both my calves were covered in maddeningly-itchy bites (from what I can only assume are mosquito in origin). My right leg is even worse, with bites having made it all the way up past my knee and onto my inner thigh. Of course, this means that only was I attacked by a mosquito, but a perverted one at that. Consider the sheer fortitude it had to display to fly up my pants and start going to town on my supple, athletic gams. Worse than that is the possibility that there were multiple mosquitoes doing this at once. If that's true, then I was violated by a bunch of bugs having some kind of freakish, blood orgy in my pants.
Why is it that I get to celebrate the start of the season by being violated by bugs?
Anyhoo, I have recently started to devise what I call the Cameron Conspiracy. I've been noticing a trend in James Cameron's films wherein if the main couple have sex, all hell will inevitably break loose. And I do mean it breaks loose with all 9 levels. Consider:
--Terminator. Sarah Connor and Reese sleep together. This gives Sarah a slight case of the stupid, and she notifies the Terminator of their location. Car chases, explosions and a hailstorms of bullets ensue. And people get killed.
--Titanic. Rose sleeps with Jack, an act that summons a mighty iceburg. And the boat sinks.
--Avatar. Hot, wild Navi sex occurs. By the next morning, they're nearly run over by a giant bulldozer, and the tribe's home/tree gets torched.
--True Lies. Poor Arnie doesn't even get the chance to sleep with his wife. 2 minutes into foreplay, and they're kidnapped by terrorists and nearly vaporized by a nuclear bomb.
All of this evidence brings us to
Today's Lesson: don't have sex in a James Cameron film. Within the next 12 hours, you'll wish you only had a crazed maniac in a goalie mask after you. It's the armageddon afterglow, baby!
Labels: the Cameron Conspiracy, WTF bugbites
posted by Phillip at 2:58 PM
